A Course in Human Emotions
by jgracetheauthor
Summary: Spock ponders the illogic of human emotions as presented in his Captain and his Doctor-is it possible for him to understand, or at least appreciate them?


A Course in Human Emotions

or

Logical Definitions

Early on in my life, I thought that being half human was very nearly the worst fate that could befall anyone. Even though I greatly valued my mother, the struggles she had imparted to me in the way of emotions which must be suppressed were difficult to overcome, and often embarrassing in the Vulcan community. Yes, very often I sat and thought that being half human was undeniably the worst condition in the universe.

I learned however, after meeting a man by the name of James Kirk, that there were worse things that could have happened to me. I could have been born completely human.

Then I met a man named Doctor Leonard McCoy and I realized that it could have been even worse.

These meetings brought me to the logical conclusion that I was in fact much more fortunate than my childish mind had once imagined.

Logic seemed a foreign concept to humans, and to these men in particular. And no matter how logical my arguments were, Doctor McCoy never would agree with me. I attributed this to a characteristic I have observed to be surprisingly prevalent in human beings: ego. Ego was something I had not experienced in my early life on Vulcan, and at first it brought me great confusion. As I understood it at the time, ego was defined as a highly exaggerated sense of self-importance, and an illogical feeling of superiority over others. In my dealings with human beings, I had many experiences with ego.

For example, there was the time that we were facing a starship five times as large as our own, and I pointed out that it was illogical to fight, as we were sure to be destroyed. Captain Kirk, who preferred for me to call him Jim, was not very impressed with the idea, and Doctor McCoy was most emphatically not. As I recall, he shouted that I was a green-blooded coward. Of course, I was green-blooded, but to take this as an indication that I was lacking in courage was unjust and illogical. In the end, Jim decided to go into combat despite my advice, and - to my surprise - was victorious. After all this, I learned something important about ego - that it does not always mean that one thinks he is better than all his fellow men, but it sometimes denotes a confidence in oneself that can be of some value.

Another human trait that puzzled me at first was the characteristic that seemed particularly strong in Doctor McCoy: temper. I was aware that there was such a thing as a temper, and that it meant a strong tendency to become easily and suddenly angered, but I had not seen anyone become angered in any way on Vulcan, much less suddenly and easily. Doctor McCoy, however, was often angered, and his anger was most often directed towards myself and my logic, which puzzled me. Nearly every time I opened my mouth he became angry with me - more so in our early relationship, but even into our later years together. I did not understand this. What was it in me that made him so angry? I simply pointed out the logical solution to any problem that arose, and merely because it was in such sharp contrast to his emotional, passionate outlook, he would lose his temper with me.

However, my view of this quality changed slightly after an incident involving a young Klingon who was being whipped mercilessly by two space pirates. Doctor McCoy lost his temper with them, and the result was that the two pirates were taken into custody by the local law enforcement, and the Klingon was returned to his family. Here again I came to realize that there are advantages and disadvantages to such a strong tempered personality - while it can drive one to recklessness and irrationalism at times, righteous indignation can arise from it, causing justice to be served in many cases.

Jim Kirk had another distinctive which was a particularly difficult concept to grasp: fun. Unlike the other human emotions, I had never even heard of this idea of fun, and it was impossible for my mind to comprehend it even remotely for many years. Jim explained to me that it was a feeling of enjoyment or amusement, but as I had never personally experienced either, this was not helpful. Of all the human notions, it was the most confusing to me. As far as I could tell, it meant doing something that served little or no logical purpose, and deriving some kind of pleasure from it.

It did not come to me at once, but rather over the years that perhaps, for some, fun did in fact achieve a helpful end at times. There were many times that Jim would be tired or depressed to an extent, and I observed that his fun often relieved his stress and helped to prepare him to begin his demanding duties once again. Not that he only did it when stress relief was in view, but at least it did seem occasionally logical. Still, I never quite mastered it, which did not concern me in the least, although Jim seemed to think it a shame.

But perhaps what I observed to be the strongest factor among the people I came to know on the _USS Enterprise_ was this: love. Love was an aspect that influenced many of both Jim and Doctor McCoy's actions. As I had heard it defined, love was to feel an attachment and close affection for someone. I had experienced some love from my parents, more especially my mother, but it was by necessity of a restrained nature. I'd thought that I understood love, and it seemed to me that to feel a close attachment for someone would disturb the working of logic.

It astonished me the first time that Jim risked something for my sake. I did not understand what he had done - his actions were not logical. What astounded me even more was when Doctor McCoy did the same thing. Why would they do this? Where was the logic in it? Even when I came to realize that they did things of this nature out of love and friendship for me, I was bewildered. And then, I found myself doing the same for them, which perplexed me even more. I was behaving at times contrary to what logic dictated. Had my long association with the humans driven me to madness akin to their own?

It wasn't until I'd studied these actions and pondered the thoughts behind them for a long time that I came to realize fully what love truly meant. And when I did, I constructed my own definition for love, a definition that was, quite frankly, a bit more human in nature.

Love: the preferring of others to oneself, and the willingness to assist a friend when necessary; the working of one for the advantage of one who is dear to him.

When viewed in this light, I began to consider that love perhaps was not quite as illogical as I had at first deemed it. When understood this way, I thought perhaps - just perhaps - I might find that love was the most logical of all the emotions.

And perhaps being half-human was not such a very bad fate after all.


End file.
